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October 2009

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I am going to RIP MY HAIR OUT!

I woke up in a perfectly decent mood. I start my new job this week, I had a lot of fun with Rae last night, I am going to vacate the premises that is my mother's house over the course of the next few days, I am absolutely in love with the Zo, and things are, on the surface, looking up.

The fact of the matter is, however, that I just feel like something is missing. I feel distinctly unfulfilled, somehow. I don't know from whence this feeling stems, but it overpowers everything else. It could be the fact that my relationship with God has been suffering miserably over the past several months. I am so ashamed of the mistakes I've made, am so angered by my circumstances, and become so resentful, embittered and hopeless when I see happy little families passing by me that I just don't want to pray anymore. When I am not near Zoey or at work, I feel that I'm floundering. I liken my feelings to being whacked tremendously on the back of the head and then thrown into deep water in pitch darkness--and then waking up, not knowing which way is up or down and how to get to the air again. And of course this is when I need God the most. But I know I'm on the road toward one of my worst fears--becoming an apostate. The thing is, I am just filled with such shame at times that I don't feel God wants to hear from me because I failed Him so abjectly.

I sometimes think that I will never finish my stupid book. Or anything else, for that matter. I have moments where I think I like it and the characters within, but for the most part, I detest the damn thing. And I wonder, subsequently, if I will EVER be satisfied with my life, happy, or content if I am doing anything other than writing, but it is not paying the bills for me and no one is going to foot said bills for me to pursue this ridiculous starving calling of mine.

I miss rugby desperately. I felt so much better when playing. There was something to look forward to, a break in the routine, something to work toward, something to enjoy. My mother is adamant against my playing, but I told her point blank to sod off because guess what? I'm getting back into it this fall. For another thing... happy mom equals good mom. I think that's the most important thing in this list of things.

I feel so lonely. I'm terrified of dependency and clinginess, but I can't stop reaching to my friends for company and help. My mom doesn't give me much in this regard; all I feel when I'm around her is that I'm a big nuisance. Neither parental figure is affectionate--my mother does not hug me, I do not want to impede the lives of Rae and Robin by constantly begging them for attention, and I just don't know where to look to receive what I need. I am an affectionate person--I need to be touched. Especially when I'm struggling like I am now, which just figures on a cosmic scale. The time I REALLY, TRULY need to be touched is the time no one is around to do so. Thank God I at least have Zoey. I think I would die if I did not have her to hold at the end of the day.

This little blurb is going to sound very self-pitying. Be warned. My life just leeches from me and doesn't give back. I spend my days caring for people, only to go home and not be cared for on any level. Ostensibly, my mother does this by cooking dinner, throwing my laundry in the washer and giving me a place to live. These are things for which I am, of course, immensely grateful. They are not, however, what I really feel I need (with the exception of the shelter factor, naturally.) I can cook my own meals, I can wash my own clothes and so on. I cannot, however, emotionally support myself or give myself the hugs and love I need each day to feel like I am not leading a completely one-sided existence.

I am sickened by the behavior and attitude I exhibited some months ago. I am just disgusted that I could have been so selfish and stupid to have subjected my loved ones to such ridiculous behavior. I am shocked I did not drive more people away--I was a useless, insensitive, self-absorbed, self-pitying fool. I don't even know how I'm going to make up for it now. I just don't know if it's anything I CAN make up for.

Zoey is sick--got to go.


Well, the nice thing about God is that He's always ready to hold you and make everything better. This is my favorite verse, kind of a go-to verse whenever things suck:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Cast all your cares on Him, spend time in prayer, and it'll work itself out. *hugs* Love you muchly.
If I weren't so tired right now, I'd smack you. XP

What the hell are you beating yourself up for over all this under-the-bridge stuff? Goodness gracious. Don't make me come over there. I know where you live. XP~~~~

I'll talk to you more after I've had my well-deserved nap. XP You take care of Zoey now.
Hun, you can get a hold of me anytime. If my screen name is up, then I'm there or will be soon. Again, my place is always open and I will guarantee many many hugs.

It's ok hun, I know how you feel, and now my religious views differ greatly but maybe try to take 5 minutes before you go to bed at night, light some candles and just sit and meditate/pray. That always helps me. I know it's hard to find 5 minutes but sometimes if you can just sit quietly for a couple minutes, and reflect on the day and your goals, it can help make your path much more clear.

Remember hun, I'm always here, my house is open, and I'm a great listener. Also if I get to see you anytime, I give great hugs.


Kait. I don't know what to say. And i haven't known how to say it, so i just will. It seems you have such extreme emotional ups and such extreme emotional downs. You always have since you were a kid. And i know it's so not fair. But, do you think it might be time to try to set things back in balance within yourself. To start trying to see a counselor/psychiatrist/psychologist and possibly consider, if they believe it might be necessary, to try medicine again or some other alternative for your depression. There's no need for you to live like this, between these two extremes. You CAN find the middle ground, feel balanced, and get on the road to feeling much better and grounded, possibly even satisfied. I really feel if you give it a good try, it can help a lot. And i know you were starting, when life interrupted your progress, and you had to stop. So, yeah. Just had to put the idea out there again. But i'm so excited you're moving in with Rae! Hopefully that will help things get on the upswing as well. Well, i'll catch you later. Let me know if you need help moving and all that :)


Oops. That was me, Robbles. Forgot that i didn't sign into livejournal to leave the post. lol.