I woke up in a perfectly decent mood. I start my new job this week, I had a lot of fun with Rae last night, I am going to vacate the premises that is my mother's house over the course of the next few days, I am absolutely in love with the Zo, and things are, on the surface, looking up.
The fact of the matter is, however, that I just feel like something is missing. I feel distinctly unfulfilled, somehow. I don't know from whence this feeling stems, but it overpowers everything else. It could be the fact that my relationship with God has been suffering miserably over the past several months. I am so ashamed of the mistakes I've made, am so angered by my circumstances, and become so resentful, embittered and hopeless when I see happy little families passing by me that I just don't want to pray anymore. When I am not near Zoey or at work, I feel that I'm floundering. I liken my feelings to being whacked tremendously on the back of the head and then thrown into deep water in pitch darkness--and then waking up, not knowing which way is up or down and how to get to the air again. And of course this is when I need God the most. But I know I'm on the road toward one of my worst fears--becoming an apostate. The thing is, I am just filled with such shame at times that I don't feel God wants to hear from me because I failed Him so abjectly.
I sometimes think that I will never finish my stupid book. Or anything else, for that matter. I have moments where I think I like it and the characters within, but for the most part, I detest the damn thing. And I wonder, subsequently, if I will EVER be satisfied with my life, happy, or content if I am doing anything other than writing, but it is not paying the bills for me and no one is going to foot said bills for me to pursue this ridiculous starving calling of mine.
I miss rugby desperately. I felt so much better when playing. There was something to look forward to, a break in the routine, something to work toward, something to enjoy. My mother is adamant against my playing, but I told her point blank to sod off because guess what? I'm getting back into it this fall. For another thing... happy mom equals good mom. I think that's the most important thing in this list of things.
I feel so lonely. I'm terrified of dependency and clinginess, but I can't stop reaching to my friends for company and help. My mom doesn't give me much in this regard; all I feel when I'm around her is that I'm a big nuisance. Neither parental figure is affectionate--my mother does not hug me, I do not want to impede the lives of Rae and Robin by constantly begging them for attention, and I just don't know where to look to receive what I need. I am an affectionate person--I need to be touched. Especially when I'm struggling like I am now, which just figures on a cosmic scale. The time I REALLY, TRULY need to be touched is the time no one is around to do so. Thank God I at least have Zoey. I think I would die if I did not have her to hold at the end of the day.
This little blurb is going to sound very self-pitying. Be warned. My life just leeches from me and doesn't give back. I spend my days caring for people, only to go home and not be cared for on any level. Ostensibly, my mother does this by cooking dinner, throwing my laundry in the washer and giving me a place to live. These are things for which I am, of course, immensely grateful. They are not, however, what I really feel I need (with the exception of the shelter factor, naturally.) I can cook my own meals, I can wash my own clothes and so on. I cannot, however, emotionally support myself or give myself the hugs and love I need each day to feel like I am not leading a completely one-sided existence.
I am sickened by the behavior and attitude I exhibited some months ago. I am just disgusted that I could have been so selfish and stupid to have subjected my loved ones to such ridiculous behavior. I am shocked I did not drive more people away--I was a useless, insensitive, self-absorbed, self-pitying fool. I don't even know how I'm going to make up for it now. I just don't know if it's anything I CAN make up for.
Zoey is sick--got to go.